Orgasm denial, chastity, orgasm control and ruined orgasms

Most of my practical experience is with male submissives/penis owners and orgasm denial, but I have talked with female submissives/vagina owners and most of the below applies exactly the same. Chastity belts for vaginas exist, just as chastity cages for penises do, although they are usually a full belt and not as in demand so they usually cost more. The hormones women have in their bodies mean they typically have lower sex drives so chastity can take longer to become really difficult for them, but women have on average more powerful orgasms, so they can miss them more.

Why do orgasm control?

Orgasm denial is a very popular thing to play with in BDSM as it is very powerful. The ability to have an orgasm is something about our own bodies that we get used to taking for granted from (usually puberty), often an easy way to give ourselves a pleasurable experience whether with others or alone. Giving control of this aspect to someone else is a very powerful way to be controlled by someone else and to emphasise they are your Dominant or owner. For the Dominant it’s a way for them to easily feel powerful and respected. It can get very strong reactions from the submissive from very little effort from the Dominant and does not have to take up much time from a daily schedule so it is easy to include into a long term dynamic to very powerful effect.

How to do orgasm control?

You can achieve orgasm control through physical devices or ordering the submissive not to. Giving an order will only work if the submissive is compliant and enjoys this kind of play enough to obey and not cheat. Some submissives will do this and do not need a physical device to ensure compliance – this is mostly how I play with it with my personal chastity slave. We do not live together so I am not even there in the house to watch to ensure compliance, but this is a type of play that appeals greatly to him and he enjoys (mostly) the effect it has on him so he is generally happy to obey. He will find certain days and times tough, but overall he finds it an interesting experience that enhances his submissive feelings.

There are various ways to do this type of orgasm control or denial. The one we mostly commonly use is every morning when I wake up I will send his instructions by message for the rest of the day. This could be the number of orgasms allowed that day (which can be 0 day after day for weeks on end), the amount of time permitted or required doing any edging activities, to report back on how the previous day was regarding the denial/control. So a message may look like ‘0 orgasms 20 minutes maximum edging time Report for previous day.’ For reporting we have a system where he can report how difficult the previous day was to live a normal life on a scale of 1-10 (1 little effect). This is not how difficult he found it resisting orgasming, (although a report can be demanded for that too), but more how much it affected his ability to concentrate at work, to enjoy time with friends, to go out and do normal social activities. If I want more detail after this number has been given I can ask for more, but it provides a quick way to give an indication of how much it is affecting his life, which gives me a way to judge how long to keep the denial going or how intense to make it with edging time allowed or a command to do a specific amount of time edging, or wind him up in other ways with flirting or kink play.

Your message system may vary. We have found when I give a daily number it is more powerful than if I just say at the start of the week or the month that he is not allowed to orgasm for that week or month. It keeps him focussed every day on what the instructions will be and what is or is not allowed that day. It gives me as the Dominant that little reminder or my power over him every morning and reminds me that he is suffering for me and obeying me. It lets me vary the torment by giving different edging instructions, and giving some days where he is not allowed to touch my penis at all because it no longer belongs to him, without keeping up something that intense longer term.

What to do if they are not so obedient?

However some submissives will not obey and can not be trusted, so here chastity devices are great. They also have the added benefit that they are a constant physical reminder for the submissive that they can feel all the time so it enhances the feeling of chastity. If they are wearing it full time it also adds a fear of being caught or it being noticed out in their everyday life. The chances of someone examining their crotch enough to notice they are wearing a device is tiny in polite society, but a lot of people get afraid of this which heightens the fear and intensity of the chastity.

How to choose a device?

It is important to get a device which fits properly – many have different sized back rings to fit over the balls and penis so you can get a tight enough fit they can not slip out of it, without cutting off any circulation. Be aware as the Dominant that determined subs will still manage to edge while in the device, although managing to orgasm inside it is much more difficult. Locks can be picked, so plastic number locks can be used to ensure it has not been removed via the lock.

Surprise spot checks can be a good way remotely to check on numbered locks (or regular locks) to ensure they are not cheating. You could send a message such as “you will send a proof picture within 5 minutes or me seeing that you’ve read this message or there will be a cane stroke for every minute you are late.”

Some men can stimulate their prostate to orgasm which most devices will not prevent. And if they do not care about being found out afterwards plastic cages particularly can be broken.

Is chastity for you?

If a submissive is fighting to disobey this strongly though then long term chastity might not be the right type of play for you. It is not usually fun for the Dominant to be disobeyed especially when steps have been put in place like a physical device to keep someone under their control. If as the submissive you want to disobey to the point of breaking a chastity cage or risking injuring yourself trying to get out of it to have an orgasm question why you have consented to this type of play in the first place. And play should always be consented to and be able to be renegotiated, unless possibly when it is a very long term dynamic where you enjoy cnc (consensual non consent), in which case again you ought to not be trying to disobey to this level.

Safety concerns and pitfalls of orgasm denial

Physical concerns

Physical safety of the persons genitals should be considered especially with physical chastity devices. Does the device pinch, rub or hurt in a long term way which does not feel natural? If so remove the cage and try adjusting it or buying a different device. Can you clean sufficiently well while wearing the device or does it need removing daily or weekly for a proper clean of the area? Can you comfortably urinate while inside the device? (It may mean sitting down rather than standing becomes a necessity which is fine, but if it feels uncomfortable to actually urinate this can cause problems.) If you get a burning sensation when you urinate the device needs to be removed as you probably have a urinary tract infection – drink lots of water and if it does not clear up after a couple of days go to the doctor as you may need antibiotics. Just because a device has been comfortable to wear on one occasion for a week or more, does not mean the next time it will behave in the same way. I had a submissive who had worn a certain tube style device many times in the past, but on one occasion after a few days he started to feel very sore and when it was removed it had rubbed the skin raw in one area, so we had to leave all devices off for a couple of weeks while the skin healed and recovered.

Some chastity cages are designed to be almost flat, to help shrink the penis and make it become less useable (if worn for a long period of time). If you are transitioning male to female and taking hormones your penis can also shrink slightly from the hormones, and if it is not used occasional to at least get an erection it can be harder to use for sex/orgasm possibly permanently. (Not an issue if you are planning surgery but it is an issue if you have not decided or plan to keep your penis.) It is entirely possible to be so fascinated going into orgasm denial that you think shrinking your penis permanently or making it useless for the rest of your life is a really sexy and fantastic idea. However, you might not feel that way in a decade and a lot can happen in your future – kink dynamics can end, you can meet new people you want different things with, etc. So anything which may have a permanent effect should not be taken lightly. As the Dominant if you have a submissive asking for something which may have a permanent impact on their life if you do not also want this or if you feel in any way uncomfortable it is completely and utterly correct for you to say no. You do not have to do anything as the Dominant which feels too intense or extreme for you – you have just as much right to safeword or say no as a submissive does.

Psychological concerns

As mentioned previously another issue with orgasm denial or control can be the mental state it produces. This is a lot of why we do orgasm denial – it focuses the submissive on the Dominant. For many it makes them feel powerless, owned, controlled and more like a slave. It puts a lot of people far more into the submissive mindset. It often makes the Dominant feel powerful, in control, desired and sexy. However if you are doing this over a long period of time as part of your everyday lives (rather than just at the weekend together) it may start to have a negative impact on your everyday life and your interactions with other people. Before I started giving my slave a max edging time he was often finding after a week or so he would be so horny he would easily lose hours edging very day trying to get some stimulation, sometimes to the point of cancelling fun nights out with friends. Even with a max time physically edging there are surrounding activities which are not strictly edging but are taking time out of his everyday life or social time which become more frequent such as time on Fetlife, time tidying/trying out his fetish gear, time fantasising about being my slave and what new controls we could introduce into his life. This mental state is to an extent desirable and one of the key reasons lots of people do orgasm denial or orgasm control. However it is good to keep an eye on it to ensure it becomes a fun addition to your life rather than completely taking over. If you see your submissive daily it can be easier to watch for changes in them and monitor this. If you do not see them regularly it is useful if they report to you. How they do this can vary depending on what works for the two of you. As the Dominant you might find a short daily phone or video call fun and adding an extra layer of humiliation for the slave, having to tell you how difficult it was to obey and not orgasm. Or you might like them to write a written report every day or week on how they have found it so you can read it at your leisure and as often as you want to. If you want something less time intensive for you both giving a daily or weekly (or just when it’s requested) number of how hard they have been finding the chastity, and how much it is affecting their everyday life, is a quick simple way to monitor if they seem to be finding it consistently very difficult, or whether that varies between reports, or if they are consistently finding it easy. This is the most passive so you do need to trust they are reporting honestly, but BDSM is based on trust so if you cannot trust them to give an honest number then question whether you should be playing with this type of play. If my sub gives a number of 10 (being the most intense) that does not mean as the Dominant that I decide to end the chastity immediately. But I might ask for more detail, or decide that if I am consistently getting a 10 that after a certain number in a row it is time to give things a break.

Fantasy vs reality

One key thing with chastity is a lot of people fantasise about chastity being permanent. However for most people it is such an intense experience, that over time affects their whole life and mental state, that for most people it is not practical for it to be forever. However if you as the Dominant end the chastity but the submissive knows it is something you have enjoyed playing with, they know it could resume at any time. So it still creates that feeling of power and you both knowing who is in control. Often I will keep sending the daily number so they know I am in control and that it might become zero at any time again, even if this day I have said they are allowed a max of 2 orgasms, or even as many orgasms as they want (but perhaps given a time limit of 1 hour for this to ensure after a period of chastity the ability to orgasm doesn’t then take over their lives in a negative way either). Or I might give no messages or restrictions on this for a while so they can experience freedom and remember what is it like, so that it is even more powerful and they miss it even more when you then take it away again.

Concerns for the Dominant

As the Dominant the powerful feeling you get from this level of control can have a bleed effect into your everyday life. At a low level this usually just translates into a bit more confidence in yourself, which is usually a good thing. But if it goes too far it can lead to you being rude/overly controlling/overly forceful with vanilla people in your everyday life so it is just something to be aware of if you feel as a Dominant that there is a chance it is bleeding into your social interactions too much.

Female chastity concerns

Females release slightly different chemicals during orgasm, and one of the effects of this can be a feeling of closeness to the person they had the orgasm with. So one possible side effect can be that they might become more distant from their Dominant if they are no longer having sex with them. This may not happen in every case, but it is a possibility to be aware of. Flirting, edging, winding them up can often mitigate this, or for some having sex but without an orgasm being permitted.

Ruined orgasms

Why do ruined orgasms?

There is much debate about blue balls and whether it is healthy, particularly for men to either orgasm and get release of sperm, or healthy to not orgasm. If you plan to play with a more permanent level of orgasm denial this is something for you to do more in depth scientific research on, and to have an open discussion of your finding with your submissive, so that you can play RACK (risk aware consensual kink). One option if you want to play with long term orgasm denial but are concerned that being able to release sperm is healthy is to explore ruined orgasms.

Another reason to explore ruined orgasms particularly with penis owners is it takes the edge off the horniness while still keeping them hard and able to carry on with sexual play. After a ruined orgasm they are much more likely to last a lot longer with any sexual play you do afterwards.

A final reason to play with ruined orgasms is it can be frustrating for them and really emphasise that you are the one in control. It can even be a big fear for a lot of subs of what it will be like and whether you are going to let them orgasm fully or ruin it. So you get to play with all those really intense emotions of horniness, fear, denial, control and because it is not a full orgasm and does not require recovery time you can do it multiple times in one play session.

What are ruined orgasms?

Ruined orgasms are where you edge the penis to almost the point of orgasm but remove all physical sensation prior to orgasm (and during the release of sperm), so there is preferably a few seconds of no contact but they are too far gone to prevent a physical orgasm. This releases the sperm as a dribble rather than a spurt, without giving the full hit of chemicals and pleasure of a full orgasm. They feel a trickle of sperm coming out of the penis without the mental hit of an orgasm. It can take practice and knowledge of your partner to be able to achieve, but can be a powerful thing to add into orgasm denial and control. The easiest way to start out is using a hand job.

Orgasm denial and poly relationships

If you are in a poly relationship and you both want to do orgasm denial or orgasm control think about what is important to you. Is it important that the submissive cannot orgasm at all, or that they have no freedom to choose themselves when they orgasm? Are their other relationships and partners important to you/do they currently have other partners in their life? Some Dominants feel if their submissive is in orgasm denial it has to be complete. If you are both poly this would require negotiation with their other partners to ensure this is something they consent to as well. Some D/s couples decide the Dominant can be poly but the submissive cannot be poly. It does not have to be this way to own a submissive and should be thoroughly discussed and reviewed during the relationship, especially if either one of you is new to poly or if you were both poly before.

Personally my lifestyle slave is poly and so am I and it is important to me that we both have other relationships in our lives. I then do not want to discuss orgasm denial with his other partners, and I do not feel I have the right to determine what they can or cannot do with him during their personal time with him. So for us when he is in orgasm denial it only applies to solo orgasms. If he is with another partner he cannot try to lead it into orgasm purely to get round the denial, but if they are interested in sexual play he is permitted to be a very willing and enthusiastic participant with them. There are occasions he has told a partner that he has been in denial for some time and would prefer to keep obeying that rule if they don’t mind, especially if he knows they will enjoy edging him and adding to that torment, but this is only occasionally and is not required. (I find it sweet when he does though especially if I am seeing him in person soon and want to have fun with my tormented denied slave.)